


The Feelings Of Dying

by Aaron_The_8th_Demon



Series: God Damn Apocalypse [6]
Category: Van Helsing (TV 2016)
Genre: Canon Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-11
Updated: 2018-09-11
Packaged: 2019-07-10 22:50:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15959234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aaron_The_8th_Demon/pseuds/Aaron_The_8th_Demon
Summary: Axel can't really be dead... he didn't come this far just to die, after all.





	The Feelings Of Dying

**Author's Note:**

> My boyfriend likes this show. I kind of "eh" it, but I absolutely LOVE Axel Miller and I was so fucking pissed in season 1 where he gets left for dead down in The Farm. Then he came back as a vampire, and now Vanessa's cured him, but even though I knew he wouldn't stay dead (thanks, predictable TV writing) it was still pretty heart wrenching when they put him in the ground. But he remembered Vanessa kissing him, even though he was "dead," so that got me wondering...

 

First comes the pain.

Axel didn’t expect it to hurt so much, because… maybe he was just kind of stupid not to expect it to hurt. He’s puking up blood. Why _wouldn’t_ that fucking hurt? The bite in his neck is that strange combination of itchy and agonizing, the kind of feeling where you desperately need to scratch but as soon as you touch it your nerves start exploding.

Vanessa is frantically muttering to him that this is good. Is it, though? She sounds so scared. Axel doesn’t remember hearing her sound scared, but maybe the whole being-undead-thing fucked up his head. Her hand is where his arm meets his shoulder, like she’s trying to guide him away from how excruciating the whole thing is.

Next comes the relief.

It’s like Axel gets flooded with cold water, soothing away the sickness and bloodlust and even the itch-hurt of the bite. He opens his eyes (they’re no longer red-bruised, but of course he can’t see that) and is human again.

Vanessa is smiling at him.

She’s relieved, too.

The fact that something _made_ her be relieved that it worked bothers him. Somewhere, he realizes, it must’ve gone wrong. The thought is filed away for later in a shaded corner of his mind. Because there’s other things to worry about. They need to leave before Dmitry gets free, and Wanda is waiting for them.

Then comes the dying.

Axel can _feel himself dying._

And it hurts worse than anything, ever. Even when he turned. He feels like his guts are being ripped out and lit on fire, all his muscles cramp up. He’s being carried. Axel doesn’t want to close his eyes, he thinks that as long as they stay open, he’ll live. But they close like he can’t control them. No. NO! He wants to live! He didn’t make it this fucking far just to die now!

His chest is getting compressed, and for all that Axel wants to kick and scream like a child just to show that no, he’s not dead, he’s still alive… despite that, on the outside, he can’t move at all. They shock him. It’s just another drop in a sea of pain and fear. Vanessa and Doc are both screaming things, but the words run together so he can’t tell them apart. A second shock - nothing? How can it be nothing? Axel _knows_ he’s not dead, because he’s still thinking and feeling and hearing (even if what he hears is indecipherable).

A needle in his chest - adrenaline. Somehow he knows it’s adrenaline, even unable to make out what they’re saying. Then Vanessa is pushing on his chest, before she’s shaking him and screaming in his face. Axel so wants to open his eyes, to tell her that he’s really okay, but he can’t make himself move. It’s like somebody cut the lines of communication between his brain and his body, and he fucking hates it.

After that comes the terror.

It’s like being wrapped in a blanket and smothered - all Axel knows is how scared he is. Scared that he’s wrong, this is really it, he’s actually dead… NO! He can’t be dead! He can’t be dead…

His hearing is starting to clear a little.

And if his heart still beat, it would be pounding out of his chest when Vanessa whispers to him mournfully. After that… she kisses him. And Axel so wants to move, to say something, to open his eyes. To reach for her and kiss back… show that he’s alive. He wants to live. He’d held a gun to his own temple to make her do it, but it was out of desperation.

The fear comes back when he realizes she’s zipping him into a body bag. No, no, no, this is wrong, he can’t be dead, he doesn’t want to be dead… he stood guard over her and told her he’d always have her back. How can he have her back if he’s dead? Axel didn’t do everything he’s done just to die like this. He knows she still needs him, if not because she can’t take care of herself (because she obviously can, now) then because she trusts him. Trust is so hard these days. Axel doesn’t want her to lose one of the few people she trusts.

He’s being moved again… oh, god, are they going to fucking _bury_ him?! They’re going to fucking bury him, and he has no way to tell them not to. He’s still alive! Axel knows he can’t be dead, he doesn’t want to be dead, how can this be happening?!

And now comes the funeral.

The first shovelful of dirt hits the bag over him and Axel would be thrashing right now if he could. He’s being buried alive and it’s making him panic, as if panicking will do him any fucking good right now. They stop, though, because somebody should say something. And of course, it’s Vanessa. Axel tries to focus on her voice. Maybe if he can just focus, he can get control of his body again. He’ll show them he’s not-

They start piling on the dirt. Why the fuck is this happening to him? Is hell a real place? Is Axel in hell, now? Is that why he can feel this going on around him but do nothing to stop it? Because being buried alive is so horrible that it seems like this must be hell. Which means he really is dead, and there’s nothing he can do about it.

Axel can feel their feet on the ground, getting far away, and then he hears them drive off. It’s over… it’s all over for him and he knows it. Dead or alive or what-fucking-ever, he’s been buried, and they left him here. That’s all there is to it.

But then…

…then, comes the hope.

Because the rumble of an engine is getting close again, and Axel can feel feet approaching. Dirt moving over him. People yelling - Doc and Vanessa. Scarlett can hear _it_ too. Whatever _it_ is. Axel tries to start moving again. He still can’t, for some reason, but it feels like there’s strength coming back into him, and it doesn’t hurt either, so he can put a lid on the panic for right now.

There’s light reaching from beyond his eyelids. Vanessa is over him… she’s unburied him… and then it’s like Axel has startled himself awake, even though he was awake the whole time, and he was right because there’s Vanessa leaning over him. He can’t believe she buried him… three minutes? He gave her three years… Axel only halfway means it, though. She’s hugging onto him so tight, and he can move again so he hugs back, coughing into her shirt.

And finally comes life and realization.

Because Axel just wants to stand in the sun again, now that it can’t hurt him anymore. They hacked open his shirt to do CPR so he’s going to put on a fresh one, except Vanessa is bowling him to the ground so hard that it actually causes some damage. She’s frantically trying to cover him, even though nothing’s happening so he’s not sure why. She looks like the same panic he was having just a little while back.

Instead of saying anything about it, though, Axel just quips about her kissing him again, because she could’ve just asked. He kind of… wants her to, though. You can’t stand over someone for three fucking years and not wonder, and then when it turned out she was alive, he started to give a shit despite himself.

She doesn’t, though, and lets him up. Axel doesn’t think about it too hard. It could be a real thing or he could just be so fucking grateful to be alive again thanks to her. Maybe he’ll know for sure later, but right now, he needs to finish changing his shirt so that they can leave and go get something more productive done.

**Author's Note:**

> So, I've read a bunch of online comments, and I know I'm not the only one who wants to see these two as a couple. But for some reason I haven't found a SINGLE fic about them. I'm not entirely familiar with the show and don't feel confident in doing anything more than this for them (I actually came into the show in the middle of season 1, so I've missed quite a few episodes) and I wish somebody will write for these two. Axel and Vanessa are now on my list of ships and it bugs me that there's nothing written for them yet.
> 
> ADDENDUM. I've now watched and re-watched all the episodes of the first two seasons (season 3 is still airing at the time of this additional note) and I'm more confident writing for Axel... just not so much for the other characters because he's virtually the only one I pay any attention to. So, I'd like to once again beg pitifully for someone who's better at this than me to write a real Axel/Vanessa fic.
> 
> Please leave comments/kudos.
> 
> If you enjoyed this work, please feel free to check out my original WIP, [Nucleus](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10027367).


End file.
